I think it’s safe to say once you go through a traumatic experience in your life, you tend to start questioning…. everything. This is my life lately.
In the spirit of questioning, I’m sure some may question the validity of my saying “traumatic experience” — which is fine. It’s subjective — and in my world, I would classify the events that happened in the beginning to middle 2016 as pretty traumatic. But to be fair, let’s provide a definition.
Traumatic: adjective — emotionally disturbing or distressing. Synonyms: shocking. upsetting. heartbreaking. painful. stressful. damaging.
Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, and.. oh, yes. All of the above.
I’ve always tried to find the rainbows in every situation, no matter how difficult. But lately, I’ll admit.. it’s been tough. I get sucked into the void of negativity, and even my attempts of being bright seem… lackluster. What’s the point? But then, there’s Ashley.. the automatic response of trying to see the sunshine and find precious gems in every question that resembles a “What’s the point?” cadence by following it up with a “C’mon.. there’s ALWAYS a point.. look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now?”
I’m arguing with myself.
Regardless… I can’t help but find myself question everything. What’s that about? Why has one life change suddenly disrupted the way I see things the way I always have? I used to be so… well, I don’t even know what I used to be anymore.
“Who am I.. anyway? Am I my resume..?” And my heart aches.
I get it.. I know that things happen the way they are supposed to. I know there are lessons to learn in everything that happens in life. Where is the lesson? When will I understand? I feel like.. all I’ve been doing lately.. is trying to make up the reasons to give myself some sort of.. comfort? Is that the right word? Why won’t you just say it?
I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of questions, with no hope of finding any answers. Or do I even need answers? Should it all be left a mystery? Will I ever find relief in not ever getting a straight answer about anything?
Why now? Why this? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why did you let it get this far? Or, did I let it get this far? What did I miss? When did it start? Did it ever exist? Was it all a dream turned into a never ending nightmare? Were we just living the story that everyone else assumed we would live? Were you ever happy in the first place? When did that happiness fade, and where was I? Why wasn’t I enough?
Am I not strong enough? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too fat? Is it my smile? Did I not love you or anyone else enough? Did I work too much? Did I set the bar too low? Or too high? Is it relative? What else could I have done? How could I have been better? Was I really that blind? Did I not do all I could do?
And then bringing it forward.. will this happen again? How can I trust anyone, when the person I trusted for so long and with everything in me, broke my trust? What can I do to be better than before? What did I miss when I spent so many years striving for perfection, to only end in failure? How can I love him better? How can I be better for him, when he tries to be the best for me? When you say you love me, do you mean it? How will I know that 15 years from now, you won’t do the same? What if you get bored? What if you meet someone new that satisfies something that I was lacking, even though I was unaware? What if you lose interest? What if you decide leaving home is what you would rather be doing than being stuck with me?
Will you come home?
Will you talk to me about everything, even if you don’t have the words or even if you think it will hurt me? How else can we make it work.. I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken. Will you make me smile when I’m sad? Will you hold me when I feel like running away? Will you just stay… for.. a while?
What if I’m not enough?
Will I ever be enough for anyone?
Will I be able to show Ella she is enough and more, and she should never question anything about herself, because she.is.enough? Am I already failing her because somedays I just feel like I’m constantly coming up short? Are my expectations of myself unreasonable? Will she grow up to one day resent me for not trying hard enough? Will she criticize the way I raised her, thinking and knowing that she could have done better? Will she defy all odds and show us that despite everything, we can and will love because she came from both of us and she deserves better? Will she question everything like I do? Will she receive the straight answers that I long for and know I’ll never get? Will she blame me for her father leaving because I wasn’t… enough?
I have to be and do better.
Everyday is another opportunity to turn it all around.
Breathe. Stop sinking. The questions are like seaweed latching onto my legs, trying to drag me down. Don’t be caught in the current. Head up. Breathe deep. Stop gasping. You are going to be…