“Nobody said it was easy.. no one ever said it would be this hard. Take me back to the start.”
The universe has a funny way of reminding you that you are still alive. I can’t speak for you, but I know that there are many days I just… exist.. and go through the motions of my day almost like a machine. The day is routined and manufactured to operate very similar to the day prior — you find yourself not being fully present, and then when you come to, you can’t really remember what happened.
Have you ever been driving home from work — you take the same roads, you hit the same red lights, you make the same turns… you space out, keep driving, because your body and mind know where you are going because you’ve travelled this path often enough. You become the machine. And before you realize it, you’re already home — and yet, you don’t really remember the drive at all.
Moments just pass by — where were you? Where’d you go? Are you here?
How did we get here?
It’s an abstract thought, and in most cases, pointless — but humor me. Retrace your steps. What would have you done differently?
I’m a firm believer in everything happens the way its supposed to, whether we want it to or not. I believe the motions of life teaching us lessons that we need and want to learn, whether we know it to be true now or later. I know and understand conceptually that life happens not to me, but for me.
If you could go back to the start, would you?
My brain often wonders. What if? What would it be like? Would it be better? Worse? Would it still end up the way it has, because there are lessons to be learned, and this is how I’m supposed to learn it?
If I could go back to the start, would I have chosen differently?
Where does it actually begin?
Is it last year? To fight or to love and let go? He said to let him go, so I did.
Is it Fall 2015? To stay in Jacksonville in a job I didn’t enjoy as much I could have or to move to Orlando, support his dream and mine, and spend more time with my daughter? I chose Orlando.
Is it early 2013? Deciding whether or not we were going to start trying to have a baby. I chose Ella, and I would choose her over and over and over again.
Is it 2009? To make a vow in front of all our family and friends to be together until death do us part, or to run away from everything I knew? I chose “I do.”
Is it 2008? When he asked me in that busy restaurant on a May evening.. we were running late for our reservations.. What if we missed dinner? What if I left the table? I chose to stay and said yes.
Is it 2004/2005? Deciding whether to move on my own to Saint Augustine, or choose a different path, a different school, a different life? I chose Saint Augustine.
Is it 2003? What if I chose to become an athlete rather than a mousey theatre kid with a heart full of song, but no courage? What if I stopped hiding behind the curtain? I think we all know what decision I made.
Or does it go further back?
Life is made up of different choices, different decisions.. depending on what you choose, a different outcome may come into play. We are all living our own “Choose Your Own Adventure” story — we constantly come to forks in the road and have to ultimately choose which path to take. These decision can shape the rest of our lives — do you move forward? Do you retreat backward? Do you breakdown and become stagnant? Or, do you breakthrough? Is it right? Left? Or, do you say fuck it, and create your own damn path because nothing else will suffice?
I read once, “There are moments that mark your life, moments that you realize nothing will ever be the same, and time is now divided into two parts: before this and after this.” Everything that has led to this moment has truly defined who you are and what you’ve become.
How will you become better?
I’m starting to breathe again.